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Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Does this belly make me look fat?

I jokingly say that to Jeremiah, but can I just vent for a minute?

I can't tell you how sick I am of people telling me how huge I am. I KNOW I'M HUGE! I really am & there's nothing I can do about it. It's my 4th baby & I've been big with all my pregnancies, but this is by far the biggest I've been. I'm embarrased about it. I'm having major self-esteem issues about my size already- is it supposed to make my day better when you ask if I'm SURE I'm not having twins? Or that I look miserable? Or say wow! with popping eyes? Or tell me that I look like I'm about to pop even when I've just answered your question & you now know I have 2 months to go? If I really was "about to pop" maybe I could handle it, but I'm not. Why is it okay to comment about somebody's size? And surprisingly women are WAY worse than men! I just want to slap people. I'm to the point where I don't want to go to church or the store or anywhere public pretty much because it's inevitable that at least 1 person will make a stupid comment to me. I would NEVER go up to someone, stranger or not, & say, "wow - is this a bad hair day?" Or "whoa, those pants make your butt look huge!" Or anything at all to make somebody feel crappy about themselves. So why does everyone do it to me & other preggos?

On Sunday before church I was teary & Jeremiah asked what was wrong. I told him how I was dreading going to church because I was feeling so crappy about myself & I was sure people would say something about how I look. Sacrament mtg was miserable because it was super hot, my back was aching & my sausage feet (because of all the walking the last few days maybe?) were stuffed into my shoes & hurting but I couldn't take my shoes off or they wouldn't fit back on. And then sure enough after Sacrament mtg I'm in the hall & this woman, who I really like & is a nice person, comes up to me & says "How much more time do you have?" When I said 2 months she said "Seriously? And it's just one baby, right? You're sure it's not twins?!" I said yeah, I'm sure. She said DANG! I didn't respond. She made another comment about twins. Maybe she knew I was trying really hard not to cry then because after that she told me about all the weight she'd gained with her final baby. Oh good, that just smooths it all over.

And just the day before I was checking out at a store. The cashier asked me when I was due. The beginning of February. She said wow! really? (with wide eyes of course). I said, I know, I'm big. She said yeah, you are - and you're not having twins? I said nope, just one. She made another comment & I lightly asked her if she was trying to make me cry. But she plowed on ahead. Then the lady checking out next to me says to her friend, "look - she still has 2 months to go!" Then those ladies talked about it. And the cashier went on & on.

Why would I NOT be sensitive about this when people go out of their way to talk about my size? Jeremiah was pointing out Sunday night that at least I'm not super sick & pukey all the time. Yes, I'm glad I'm not & I'm glad my baby's healthy & everything's perfect, but just because I don't have one of those trials doesn't mean that it's easy to have people constantly making me feel worse about the way I look than I already do. Most of my shirts aren't fitting anymore & there's not much I can do. If I buy bigger shirts they'll be too big in the shoulders/chest so that's not really an option. Somebody bore their testimony on Sunday & I was especially touched & had a hard time not bawling when she said she knows that Heavenly Father knows & loves each of us & understands our trials & pain. I know that too. But as I thought more about that on Sunday night I also thought about how I know that Jeremiah loves me & I think can understand that I'm having a really hard time. But what does that change? Nothing. Glad I'm loved but it doesn't change stupid people & clothes not fitting. I'm just bummed.